Beating the Mother Guilt
When we talked recently about “wanting it all” a number of you touched on how hard it is to find balance and the guilt we feel when we fail. If you’re a blogger you will have noticed a number of posts in the ‘blogoshpere’ lately which reflect the same issues of balance, burnout and again, the associated guilt. A lot of it has to do with pervasiveness of social media and the strains on our time and attention.
No, not that kind of balance.
I was all fired up to add to the sentiment with my own blog about it, but then I stopped. I started wondering what I could do, as a new blogger, to stop myself falling into the same pitfalls. The same pitfalls any mother who is juggling a multitude of priorities can easily fall into. I’ve decided to call in a professional to set us all a challenge to beat the guilt and find some balance.
I’d like to introduce you to my first ever Guest poster, Debbie Marks from the Edge Coaching. You can learn more about Debbie and what she does at the end of her post, and there’s a Giveaway too! Over to you Debbie . . .
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Debbie Marks The Edge Coaching
The worlds of Guilt, Motherhood and doing anything for yourself, be it blogging, working or reading a book are so intertwined these days. The advent of social media has been an amazing opportunity for parents to get connected with the world and their peers like they’ve never done before, decrease the social isolation that can come with parenting and perhaps even make some money without leaving home…sounds great doesn’t it?
Unfortunately a lot of parents, particularly Mums, are now finding it harder than ever to separate work and family. Let’s face it, when it’s 5pm and the kids screaming, the house is a tip and the dinner’s cooking how easy is it to get lost on the net for 5-30 mins just to regain some “me time” and sanity?
Problem is, those problems don’t go away, they get worse and then the guilt gremlin kicks in, you feel like a bad Mum, beat yourself up, sort out the issues and retreat to the iPhone again for a bit more sanity to see if your mates are also feeling the 5pm pain and guilt gremlin! And so the cycle continues!
So how can we break the guilt now associated with being a working Mum/ blogger/ social media addict that come with this tech savvy world? How about crash testing the “Guilt Wheel”? Not a new concept really but it’s rare that we take time to think about what’s really driving that disconnected feeling and drawing a wedge between us and our families….so here is Crash Test Mummy’s challenge for the week.
Crash Testing the “Guilt Wheel”
Decide which of the sections of the below wheel is your biggest place of pain right now (or fill in your own pain point). Identifying that pain is moving you from stagnation to ACTION and action is what moves you from feeling guilt to feeling good again!
"Wheel of Guilt"
Laney: For this crash challenge I’m choosing to tackle the guilt I feel about blogging instead of being fully present and available to the kids.
Now work through these questions:
What is one practical thing you can do, within your control, that will help reduce the feelings of guilt you experience from the above issue?
Laney: I need to outline a blogging plan that fits into my family’s schedule, as a way of setting boundaries and respecting everyone’s time.
Whose help do you need to achieve this step? What do you need to communicate to them to ensure you achieve it?
Laney: We are about to take the kids out of daycare for the summer, so I will lose the two days alone I had to blog. I need CrashHubby’s support to entertain the kids and give me time alone to blog. I’ll need to communicate to him that I will also need to work on some evenings when the CrashKids have gone to bed. Difficult, because it will eat into time alone together.
How will making this step reduce your guilt and make you a more positive role model?
Laney: It will keep me more organised and focused, therefore less stressed about how I am spending/wasting my time. I will be able to be more present for my kids and ‘available’ to focus on other things I need to do – like the housework ;)
Sign and date when you’ll make it happen, get your partner or fellow blogger to (cyber) witness it
Laney: Over the next week I will write out my blogging plan, give it a test run and report back on Wednesday the 12th. You’ve all just cyber witnessed that by the way, so keep me honest and check in via FB and Twitter to give me a gee up ;)
How will you reward yourself for taking this step and making it a part of your routine?
Laney: A blog makeover, but only once I’m happy that I’m really sticking to a routine that has reduced the guilt and improved my blogging.
How committed are you to taking this step on a scale of 1 (not at all) to 10 (definitely), and how enthusiastic are you on a scale of 1-10 about making this happen?
Laney: 10 for commitment and 9 for enthusiasm (only because I’d rather be crash testing chocolate).
Some last words from Deb before we get to the giveaway:
Commit today to taking positive action and taking control of your life again! Creating quality time for work, yourself and your family and trying not to let them overlap too much should reduce the guilt and create a more positive family environment where everyone’s needs are met (most of the time)! Be 100% present in the moment, whatever moment that is!
Debbie is a Mum of 2 children and a Qualified Business Coach who helps Mums who are experiencing guilt and discontentment with their current lifestyle to make informed, empowered decisions about themselves and their families to create a balanced lifestyle that works FOR THEM and not just works! For more information about Debbie, check out her website http://theedgecoaching.org or her blog http://theedeg4mums.com for her insights on Motherhood and all that comes with it.
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{Giveaway}
So, are you in this with me? To encourage you, Deb has agreed to give away a 45 minute one-on-one ‘guilt busting’ coaching session (via Skype, so it’s open to everyone – yay!).
To enter:
- Firstly to qualify you need to be following Crash Test Mummy via RSS or Email or on the Facebook page.
- Leave me a comment and tell me which section of the “Guilt Wheel” you want to tackle?
I’m using Rafflecopter (scroll down) so once you’ve followed me and commented, make sure you click “I did this” next to each. There are also options for extra entries, including supporting Debbie’s own Facebook page. Meet me back here on Wednesday the 12th of October and we can share how we got on and I’ll announce the winner of the coaching session with Debbie.
Laney
What a great post & perfect timing!! I’ve been considering a blog plan to schedule my time better so I can’t wait to see yours. Guilt about not being fully present with my kids is definitely a huge source of mummy guilt for me!
Née @ Née Say’s last post..Quick Peanut Butter Cookies
I’m starting on my blogging plan today. Will be interesting indeed.
Oh the mother guilt.
There are a few that fit at different times but I’m opting for “being too stressed to be fun”.
Being school holidays this is the perfect time to kickstart my daily routine again, and let go of the overwhelming feeling of stress because I’m not doing enough, or spending enough fun time with my kids.
Number one on my list of ways to achieve this is to ring and book a cleaner to help me keep up with the housework, and give me more time to play mum!
Natalie’s last post..Marking time
Good for you! I’d love a cleaner to come over right now. I have more dirty dishes than clean ones – aargh!
I keep planning to starting a blogging schedule, it is something that I have considered for a long time.
I have really been working on my mindfulness lately and that has helped with my being too stressed to be fun guilt that I have had going on for a while.
Will be watching too see how you go with this.
Amy @ MahliMoo’s last post..Wordless Wednesday… kinda
Yes, the blogging schedule. It is going to be interesting as I try and put some boundaries around my online use. Hopefully I will be more productive though.
Hmm, help with ‘neglecting my partner’ would be useful. My poor husband hardly sees me most nights anymore ☺. J x
Jane’s last post..Psst! Want to read about mummy blogging in Tasmania?
I know what you mean Jane. Often I’ve got my head stuck in the iPad. It is important to make time for each other too.
Such a fabulous idea Laney – as you know I fit right in there!!! I could choose several of those points at the moment. I agree with your choice and would probably choose it as well – but also know I need to better manage ‘me time’ and being to stressed to be a fun mum. I seem to be the stress queen right now!!
Caz’s last post..REVIEW & GIVEAWAY: ABC for Kids ‘Octonauts’ DVD giveaway (closes 14.10.11)
It is very easy to shove ‘me time’ to the bottom of everyone elses priorities. I’m not very good at it either. Hope you get something out of this challenge.
I love the idea of posing questions to ourselves to try to come up with answers or compromises. I have been looking at planning my time better and making sure that it all fits in with my goals recently so all this information is always helpful. :-)
Yes, writing it down makes it more real and easier to action (something I need to do today!)
This is a really practical post which goes beyond just the lamenting about the issue to trying to actually do something about it. For me, blogging is the problem, followed by time with hubby. I know I need to work a schedule but I give the excuse often that my bub’s nap times are so unpredictable I find it hard to schedule anything. Then if I’m trying to settle or soothe her, I fall back to being on the iPhone or iPad and often don’t get off even after she’s gone back to sleep. I’ve been meaning to try a rough schedule so will give it a go. Thanks for the post. I had one too but not practically helpful like yours and am not sure everyone isn’t now just so over this topic. I’ll see.
Veronica @ Mixed Gems’s last post..Wordless Wednesday – Shopping for George Clooney
I say publish your post. We all learn from each others’ experiences. Any kind of routine is harder with a small baby. Give the challenge a go and see what you come up with ;)
Great, helpful post. I think I’m going to add my own slice to the guilt wheel – I feel guilty because I feel like I never achieve anything - I hope I’m making sense. I can’t do the dishes without having to stop to do something for the kids, I can’t read a story to my older child without his sister waking up, I can’t feed my baby without my son begging for more ‘something to eat’ I can’t write a post without having to save draft fifty times because I’m needed. Lol – I can’t even comment on this post without having to do bum-wiping duty! I feel like I don’t get to stop but then I have nothing to show for it! Wow, that just sorta spewed out of my fingertips. Hmm… I need to think about this some more. Thanks for the great post Laney.
Happylan’s last post..Thirty until Thirty – True Thing # 9 – I wish I had had a chance to know my paternal grandmother
Very timely post. Seems there’s a lot of this going around. I don’t need to enter the giveaway, I just wanted to let you know it was a great post.
Deb @ Bright & Precious’s last post..Social Media : An Affair to Remember
that’s true, sometimes I feel bad that I’m on my comp or my mobile when I’m home and should be giving full-time attention to my lil girl… thanks for sharing this :)
Ai Sakura’s last post..Things I Know: Always Check your Old Cameras
It is hard to balance. In my worklife before kids there would be no way that I would have been ‘switched on’ as often. Pretty much, once I got home that was it! Social media and your blog are always open for business ;)
Definitely ‘being too stressed to be a fun mum’. Some days, especially mornings and bed times, are so stressful that I feel like I’m constantly shouting. No matter how early I get up, no matter what reward chart I implement, we always seem to be running late. And the only times they want to go to bed early and get up early is on the weekend!
Maid In Australia’s last post..Does Mumma need a boyfriend?
Oh yes, I hear you! I think they always go into slow motion when you most need them to hurry up! I hope the questions help you find some answers to de-stressing ;)
I’m following and subscribed and would say my biggest area is working while the kids are at home and feeling confident in my decisions about when I decide to work – it’s not quite blogging instead of being with kids, but working instead of being with the kids, it’s just that my work is social media related…make sense? LOVE this btw.
Louisa’s last post..My Blog & My Style; Would You Feel Loved If….
I absolutely know what you mean. My time is taken up with more than blogging too as I try and keep up with what is happening in digital marketing so I don’t lose touch. It is a very tricky balancing act.