*** This post has been submitted to The Wall by Anon ***
Please show your support for someone who has ‘hit the wall’
Thanks,
Laney x
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I always thought I’d be a great mum. I read a lot, I understand all the theories about parenting, discipline, and raising a healthy and happy child. I cringe when I see parents handle their children roughly, ignore their children, belittle their children, shriek at their children, verbally abuse their children…. I thought I knew what not to do and what to do and that I’d be a great mum.
And then I had kids.
I simply wasn’t prepared for the sheer frustration of having a baby who’s been sleeping peacefully in your arms wake the second you put her down, no matter how carefully. For a baby who wants to breastfeed every hour on the hour 18 hours a day, and then every 3 hours the rest of the day. For the toddler who cannot spend a second away from me at home. For the toddler who can say “what’s wrong Mummy” 143 times in a row when nothing at all was wrong in the first place, but something was very wrong by the time she got to #50. For the toddler who only ever wants to play with me, never, ever on her own. For the exhaustion that comes from having 2 kids come down with various bugs one after the other for weeks on end, simultaneously, while I fight off infection myself and my other half sleeps peacefully in the spare room. For the toddler whose favourite phrase is “but I want it” and can repeat it, screaming and crying, for 30 minutes + non stop despite my ignoring her tantrum. For the toddler who will deliberately do something so naughty and dangerous that I simply can’t just let pass at the exact time I cannot quickly address it, such as when I’m breastfeeding or changing a nappy. For the child so sensitive to my moods that it takes every shred of energy I have to keep my mood elevated to try and prevent things spiraling out of control. For the isolation I feel with my other half working long hours and weekends. For the demoralisation that creeps up when my toddler behaves perfectly, and plays independently, for everyone other than me.
I don’t know if my kids are more difficult than average to deal with. I certainly made life more difficult for myself by banning television before the age of 2 and then only allowing playschool – so I have no TV to fall back on as a babysitter.
But I know that much of my frustrations stem from my attitudes and behaviour, It’s like tennis – I’m a fantastic armchair critic. I understand the game well and I know good play from bad. But put a racket in my hand and I”m a disaster. When it comes to parenting what I have very quickly realised is that I have far too little patience to parent the way I want to parent. I find it so incredibly difficult to deal with irrationality – and babies and toddlers are gorgeous little bundles of irrationality. I find myself clenching my teeth so hard I’m afraid I’m going to break them. I have developed a click in my right jaw that it is intensely painful and I am sure is a direct result of the clench. I sometimes just want to shake my little girl when she is deliberately winding me up by pulling on my laptop cable or rocking on the bar stool or standing in the baby’s bouncer about to break it – of course I never have and never would. But I end up with a tension headache and the extreme exhaustion that comes from mental and emotional stress.
And then I read blogs and websites of an evening whilst breastfeeding my baby and read all about the wonderful ways of parenting that I know and understand and desperately want to achieve but fail at miserably when it comes down to it. Every day I resolve to try new techniques and sometimes they work, but often in the heat of the moment I forget and things end up spiraling downwards yet again.
I know I’m not a bad mum. I am a good mum. And I know I’m going to be much better as the kids grow older and mature intellectually and emotionally. But I am not the mum I thought I would be and want to be and that makes me deeply sad.
On top of that my house is a bombsite – housekeeping was never a strong point of mine and kids certainly makes it that much more difficult. I’m overweight and not healthy – I seem to catch every bug going around that my delightful toddler brings home from daycare. I do cook from scratch and avoid processed food, so I do at least know that what’s going into my family’s bodies is wholesome, even if there aren’t as many veges are there should be. I keep making plans to get on top of the housework and to get more active and lose weight, but they fall to the wayside very quickly when anything goes wrong with one of the kids. In short, I don’t feel in control of my life – and as a control freak that makes me anxious.
I know I just have to accept myself for who I am. I need to get some inner peace so that I have the patience to handle my kids’ irrationalities without it taking a physical toll on me. I’m taking the Triple P parenting course in a few weeks. I need to reach out more to other parents and take some time for myself to look after my mental health.
Right now I’m going to bed. Tomorrow I’m getting up early and I’m making a weekly plan that schedules my housework, my exercise, my activities with my family and some regular time for myself that is workable that I can stick to so that I can feel in control of my life again.
Writing this has been cathartic – I have not been able to share these feelings with anyone. I have tried to talk to my other half and he means well but he never seems able to do or say the right thing – I’m sure that’s more a reflection of my frustrations than anything else.
Thank you for giving us the space to vent here when we hit the wall. I don’t know if I’m ok or not but I do know that I am going to be ok.
This post submitted by: Anon
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To learn more about The Truth About Being a Mum: Part 2 and to enter a writing competition to win $100AUD Visa gift card, read this post.
I’m so glad you had the opportunity to share how you are feeling. You are definitely not alone. If I’ve learned anything from this past year, it’s that us mums are often quite similar. We all have similar struggles. Motherhood is tough. We don’t have the village of support our ancestors did. Our new village is here, online, so you need to be brave and put it out there, just like you did. And when you do, wonderful things happen. New connections are made. And you’re no longer alone :)
I’ve said it before, and will continue to do so – being a mum is the hardest job in the world. This, from a woman who had no kids. But my mum-friends are my HEROES.
Great post. Keep connecting with your amazing mum-friends.
xxoo
Christine Macdonald’s last post..Show and tell
Thank you for supporting this mum Christine. The acknowledgment from someone who doesn’t have children is immense. Thank you.
PS so are you going to BlogHer? I want to meet you!
Dear Anon,
You are NOT alone on this journey!!! Each day is so different from the previous and NOTHING is ever guaranteed! I am going to respond to you (and any other mums who care to read) on my blog in the next couple of days. So much needs to be said/shared. Check in on my blog, you wonderful woman and hear my words of encouragement! Hang in there , Leigh xxxxxxxxxxxxx (www.sixbythesea-larli.blogspot.com) xxxxxx
Thank you Leigh – so so much. I love this community more than I can express, more than is apparent sometimes. It overwhelms me, but it saves me – every single day. Hugs x
Ps looking forward to your post x
Oh honey, you poor, poor thing. I was absolutely fraught when I had a toddler and a newborn and can relate to where you are right now. However my husband was around to share the load and that made a BIG difference. When I was feeling particularly bad I would call in a baby sitter so that I could get some time to recharge. Its expensive but it can be a sanity saver. My girls are 5 and 2 and a half now and everyday is filled with glorious moments as well as soul crushingly frustrating ones. The thoughts that get me through are;
1) Chaos is the new normal
2) Its not forever its just for now
3) These smart, funny, joyful little spirits are worth it. Would I really want to trade them in for my former career in stockbroking? Heck no.
I wish you all the very best of luck and promise you that it will get better.
Hugs
Mumabulous
Mumabulous’s last post..Brown Is Comedy Gold
Oh! I understand exactly. I was exactly the same, I had it all sorted out in my head before #1 turned out. But putting these things into action when you feel like you’ve drunk four bottles of bad tequila every night (broken sleep, sleep deprivation!) is difficult.
The best advice anyone ever gave me sounds harsh but was this: ‘Put them in a safe place and go outside for ten minutes. No baby was ever harmed if they cried in their cot for ten minutes, if it meant that you got to regain yourself.’
The days are so long sometimes, but really, the years are short. It’s infuriating, but this too shall pass. You’re doing a fabulous job. xo
Amy’s last post..Chocolate Self Saucing Pudding… more childhood comfort food.
Thank you for your support Amy. I think your advice is sage. 10 minutes to regain yourself can be so beneficial.
Oh hon I applaud you for writing all that down, you sound as you say, very knowledgable and articulate, thoughtful and focussed..until the little darlings destroy the ideals we had, and make us, the very best of us even, doubt whether we are any good at being a parent….you are so right, you will be awesome as they get older, you will LOVE them more and more as they age, trust me from one who just recently after 6 years and 2 kids, are getting space to let my wings stretch – in the mean time, I suggest, amongst the many good ideas you mentioned planning, consider some daycare for the kids – i know i i know its probably something you banned, or don’t agree with, like me :) but. consider it. for you need to find a way to ” look after your children’s mother’ and I know how our own strict rules for OURSELVES can be hard to change, but I had to do that do,and then I had to convince hubby that we needed to. pay. for. childcare. even. one. day. a week…!! Save your sanity dear Mum and your children will thank you too. Go gently amidst the noise and haste, T
I think one good thing to remember, also, is that you often read the happy, shiny version of motherhood online. We all edit ourselves to take out the times we yell too loud, get overwhelmed, throw a plate, slam a door… In real life I need a glass of wine a lot of nights to get through until bedtime. In real life I eat chocolate behind a closed door. In real life I have a tantrum in the car when my kids have driven me bonkers.
Do everything you can to be the best mum you can be, but remember that not one of us is perfect. You are not alone. No one is quite like you, and no one has the exact same problems, but you are not alone.
Tam, thank you for saying everything I feel. I do my best to show the real side of parenting to my readers. I’m not good at it. I have really bad moments. Every day I know I need to try harder. Motherhood is hard. Full stop. But it is also so rewarding, as we all know, or at least need reminding of. Thank you Tam x
Hi Anon, it is really hard and you are doing a great job. It may not feel like it now, but you are. The online community is really supportive and just the act of sharing your feelings helps so much, just to get it out there and acknowledged. Best wishes to you xoxox
Roslyn’s last post..Shorts for Boys
Wow, what a beautiful, open, honest and raw account of the downside of parenting and one we don’t often get to see publicly. Thanks for having the guts to voice your sentiment and struggle and for making all of us who read it and see ourselves in you, feel a little less alone. In the words of Robbie ‘We’re doing it for the kids!’ cheers to that. Pip xx
Pip Macdonald (@PipMacdonald)’s last post..Lose Baby Weight. Now!. Whatever.
These thoughts could have come from my own head.
Reading them was like reflecting on a time in my life when I hit a wall, and just could not stop hitting it.
I wish back then I’d had the courage, or even a place to vent my grievances, without fearing I was alone.
You aren’t alone.
You’re doing an amazing job & I applaud your bravery posting here.
Just keep swimming, Mama Bear, you’re okay, and you will be okay! I promise :) x
Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures’s last post..50 Shades of Lame.
It’s the night before my sons 5th birthday and I’ve been sitting here crying my heart out thinking about how difficult I’ve found the last 5 years and how disappointed in myself I am for not being the mother I thought I could be.
Finding this post via Crash Test Mummy’s instagram post seems like serendipity, something that has been sent to reassure me that I’m not alone, that I’m not a failure & that maybe, just maybe, things will get better.
Thank you for your honesty. I hope posting these brave words has provided you with the support & acceptance you needed to ease your pain xx
Wow, I am overwhelmed by the responses, and feeling a wee bit silly having read some of the other posts from people who have hit the wall. My “problems” are so mundane and really non-issues compared to everyone else. I guess it’s hard to see that from inside them, that’s the problem. Thank you for all your responses and I’m glad my little brain dump may have helped some others.
Leigh I’ve just read your blog – thank you so much. I have bookmarked it to come back to when I need to. xx