One of the most difficult things about my decision to be a Stay At Home Mum are the times when I acutely feel the yawning gap between my previous life a a career woman and my current life scraping weetbix off the floor.
I refer to them as “I’m such a failure” funks. CrashHubby then has to give me the same pep talk telling me all the things I’m doing well.
His pep talks are finally starting to work. I am slowly starting to recalibrate my perception of what success is – for me! And that’s the important part. Too often we judge ourselves based on others’ perceptions.
That old nugget called comparison.
This weekend I’m attending a conference for bloggers. One that focuses on making a profession of blogging. Comparison will be rife, subconsciously or not.
And here’s the kicker, I’ll be talking on a panel about “Taking a new blog to success”. Ironic, because I don’t feel successful in the usual way a blogger is deemed successful. It will be interesting. I am nervous, but only when I judge myself by others’ standards. I am more comfortable when I realise I’ve achieved more than I ever expected to in the past year. And that I did it my way.
You don’t need to be a blogger to know what I’m talking about. If you’re a mum you’ll know all about the pressures of ‘having it all’, and for the unfortunate amongst us, we also know the fall out when we try to have it all right now and don’t quite manage it. I’ve been there. Which is why I’ve had to take a different approach to parenting, blogging, life in general.
My bloggy friend Sonia from Life Love and Hiccups wrote a great post yesterday called “Are we partly responsible for our own demise”. It’s about the fall out of this crazy race to be a successful mother, successful this, successful that. It’s a great read and highlights the importance of our mental health (yesterday was World Mental Health Day). I think every day should be mental health day! I also think I should probably write more on this blog about my experience with adrenal fatigue and stress and how to look after yourself. If you’re interested in hearing more, please let me know in the comments.
Are you/have you been a victim of your own success? And can you call it your own, or are you trying to achieve someone else’s version?
Laney x
Image credit: www.yanilavigne.net
I was asked to speak recently about my “success” and I prefaced this by the fact that I define what success looks like for ME – not someone else’s idea of it. Ultimately success for me is making a good income from a job that gives me flexibility around my family – this would not be success for a lot of other people – but it’s what I strive for right now. See you tomorrow! x
Nikki @ Styling You’s last post..Why you need a whole wardrobe of essential sunscreens
Exactly Nikki! Sometime success for me is getting up and making it through the day ;) But ultimately, that is what my blog has helped me do, whilst allowing me to spend more time with my kids before they go to school. Looking forward to a catch up!
Oh goodness, I could go on forever about this topic! It took me years to figure out that I had to do what was best for me, my partner and two boys; I had to do what was aligned with my values and all that. Still, I see others: friends, fellow virtual PAs, school mums…who are more ‘successful’ and yet I couldn’t live their lives. I need flexibility and freedom and the price paid for that is living with less money. I tried the other way and it felt wrong. Look forward to your panel. You’ll be ace.
Lisa B’s last post..Vulnerability and blogging
I know what you mean about the more ‘successful’. Often we don’t see the whole story and all the blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice that goes into some people’s success. We have to be happy with our own priorities.
Laney, you should read this post by Sara Perring: http://achieveamazingthings.wordpress.com/2012/07/16/have-i-made-the-right-choice/
Sara used to have the ultimate in high-flying jobs: she was managing director of equities at an investment bank in Tokyo! However, after becoming a mother, she realised just how difficult it would be to continue in her current job and still get to spend time with her children, and so she changed her life completely – quit her job, moved back to England, and re-trained as a life coach. Her story is very inspiring, and her blog is full of thought-provoking posts.
Katriina’s last post..Little Children, Great Expectations
Hi Katriina – I just saw your comment in my spam folder and fished it out! I will definitely check out her site, it sounds really interesting, thank you :)
Thank you Laney. When I am in the company of women who have managed to maintain successful careers after having kids I can feel like a dismal failure. I feel that these women have a determination and drive that I am sadly lacking in. My husband is “successful” by most people’s standards and I often feel I am riding his coat tails instead of standing up for the sisterhood.
It took me a few years to realize that contentment, happiness and joy in the moment are more important than “success” at least by society’s definition.
Wishing you all the best of luck at Pro Blogger. Sounds like it is going to be one hell of a shindig.
Mumabulous’s last post..Harden Up Princess..
Hi Laney, success for me is just feeling calm and content in the moment (in a world that has something against me!!!)
Feeling chirpy is a bonus, as are lots of other things. Never comparing is a real focus for me and may have to work at that at PBevent.
Well said! It took me till bub 2 was @ 4 months old to shift my focus from achieving to caring with regards to what I get done in a day. Success, to me as a mum, is connection & managing to not feel guilty about the jobs set aside to really be with them :)
Rach’s last post..[nearly] Wordless Wednesday : A Happy Builder’s Son
Urgh, I do the comparing myself to others thing, alot. Bad habit, I’m trying to break :) looking forward to meeting you tomorrow!
Hello gorgeous – we are so on the same page aren’t we! Thankyou so much for sharing my post and good luck for this weekend Hun. I know you will totally rock it in true Laney style. I’m sending you all the best vibes beautiful xxx Son
Sonia’s last post..If My Brain Could Make Noises It Would Totally Be Farting!
I must have got your good vibes Son. I was nervous as hell and then came over all calm and stuff! It went well, I hope :)
Great post! We do have to stop comparing ourselves to others and focus on our own idea of ‘sucessful’ and also, not think what we have achieved is ‘failure’. Rachel xx
Rachel from Redcliffe Style’s last post..5 minute beauty routine to disguise that you only had 2 hours sleep
Thanks Rachel. It really isn’t helpful to compare, but very hard to stop doing it!
absolutely I am my worst enemy. trying to stop.
Hi Laney, just a little “bonjour” to see how you’ve recovered from Pro blogger event! You were great on stage!
Mademoiselle Slimalicious’s last post..Healthy Cooking: Green Tea Crusted Snapper
Bonjour Cyndie! Yes, a big event to recover from. So overwhelming! I was so nervous before speaking, but then it was ok after all. Hope you got a lot out of the event :)
Hi Laney, success really matters only on ourselves with great passion and motivation in life. I know you learn something about success and definitely I was learning from you too.
If I owe nothing to no-one and I can sleep well at night knowing I did my best and am on the right path, then that to me is success. that and being able to buy really expensive cheese xx
veggie mama’s last post..Kid food: Lunch
Thanks for dropping by Stacey. Hmm, is that what they refer to the boss as “The Big Cheese”? ;). I could live on cheese alone!
Comment attempt take #2!
When I compare my blog to yours, I feel rather unsuccessful but then I remind myself that your brand, goals and priorities are different to mine. I am not you. When I look at the lives of others, the challenge is to focus on learning, gleaning ideas, and seeping inspiration without steping over that fine line to comparison, jealousy and dejection.
I feel the unspoken and unseen pressure to “succeed”. But just as art means different things to each person, so must success. I feel that’s the lesson that’s missing; what is “personal success” on our own terms, based on our values, goals, desires, talents, skills, etc.
Your post and a few others I read this week reminded me of an image and quote I saw on IG:
“Compare yourself only to who you are becoming.” – @briandanielbaker (http://statigr.am/p/305173217025852527_15154736).
That’s sound advice that I need to heed too. You’ve put a lot of blood, sweat, tears and sleepless moments into building what you have on this blog and you can be very proud of that, Laney.
Veronica @ Mixed Gems’s last post..The stratosphere jump and childbirth
I am so glad I found your comment! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on success. I really love the quote you found. Do you mind if I share your comment on FB? I think there are a lot of people out there who would really benefit from being reminded to define their own idea of success.
Laney x
Yay! It worked! I’m more than happy for you to share the comment, Laney. I need to keep remembering it for myself too!!! xx
Veronica @ Mixed Gems’s last post..The stratosphere jump and childbirth
I am listening to you right now as a virtual conference attendee! You did great! I think you advice is great about having a unique position… I am working on building and trying to figure out a strategy. Very good advice.